Hello. I am Mary. Welcome to my Blog. (not journal) If you don't like what I have to say, then leave. I'm sorry if I offend you, I write a lot of this shit when I'm mad... So I prolly dont REALLY mean it. I say what I mean. I say what I don't mean. I'm not always nice. I'm human.

I always wear my bracelett from Las Vegas.
I'm obsessed with my dog. <333
I care about you more than you think.
Everyone hates my ringtone because it's always going off.
But I love it.

I love my backpack more than anything <3
I stay up all night and wake sometime during the afternoon.
I get bored easy....VERY EASY
I go through guys like seasons because generally speaking- they can't entertain me long enough.
I do not wanna be tied down just yet.
I know a lot of random facts...and how to do a lot of random things.
I crip walk.
I am very good at teaching people how to do "stuff" ;)
I'm shy.
I HATE eskimo boots with a fiery passion.
It's impossible for a guy to threaten me with mentioning another girl.
Sorry, I just don't care.

I think, a lot.
I paint, I draw.

I have no secrets.
Okay, maybe a few. ;)

I have a knack for getting Pink Eye.
I snowboard.
I dance.
I'm very open minded.
I love sex.

I'm very blunt & Brutally honest. Some people can't handle that...
But if you appreciate the truth. You'll appreciate me. :)

I hate when people can't spell...like, at all.

I will do just about anything if it makes someone I care about laugh.

I don't like boys.
Don't tell me you know more about Tupac or Biggie than me.
Because you don't and I'll just make you look stupid in front of everyone.
I'm finally leaving Buffalo.


I really DON'T CARE what you think if you don't know me well... or if I don't like you.

Chances are you think you know...But you don't.

I'm fiesty.
I'm badass.
Don't fuck with me or people I care about.
I will make you pay for it if you do.
I smile...a lot.
I throw up gang signs.
I'm a G. ;)
I shop like it's my job.
I'll prolly lie to you if you ask me how many people I've slept with.



Yes, I drink.
Yes, I smoke.
Fuck you, Judge me.

I have a lot of health problems.
But I don't care.
I overthink everything...
EVERYTHING.
I believe in second chances.
I'm too hard to define because I'm changing with every day.
My shampoo is SEX
I'm too sensitive...
but I'm working on that.


I don't find manwhores attractive...at all.

I work hard in school.
I party hard.
I won't tell you I care about you unless I mean it.
You'll know if you're a special person to me.
If I hooked up with a guy you like, and you try to give me shit about it.
You might wanna think twice. I'll do it again, just to spite you. ;)
I bartend.
I can manipulate myself into caring about someone.
I can manipulate my memory into almost forgetting everything about someone and detaching any kind of feeling associated with them.

I love the beach.
I love seeing you smile.
I kinda love snuggling.
I bite ;) sorry.
I people watch..LIKe CrAzY.
I'm far from a whore.
I HATE cheese.
If you call me out on something, I might deny it.
I don't like fighting.
I'm curious.
I don't believe in regrets.
I want to change the world as much as possible.
I love snow.
I don't care if you don't.

832- we's rockstars.


If you think I want to fuck you,

Chances are... I don't.


I have amazing/diverse taste in music.
And someone you know prolly has a cd I put together.
I don't care if you play football, or if you drive a nice car or if you have a huge dick.
I've seen it all.

Try to impress me.

I fall hard ;)
Although, I hardly ever fall.
I miss Rob.
I miss "her" too.
My car smells orgasmic.
and it's got the coolest hangy things on the antenna.
I go to UB.
But not for long. :))
I have blue eyes
I have cancer, it sucks. And it's made me grow up really fast.
I don't like telling people the same thing twice. Learn to listen

I show respect for others until they give me a reason not to.
I love to drink juice.








"Yeah, A-town's finest
I'm the top notch glammour chick
Tell me, If I throw it at you baby... can you handle it??"




I'm getting sick of talkin about myself.
Just ask ;)
I'm pretttyyy much an open book, so anything goes. :D

It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear
me out

So c.i kinda sucked.
I told mike that i had a bad feeling about it. And instead of making me feel more comftorable...he just acted strange the whole time. So I finally decided I would call it quits because I can't be so in love with someone who doesnt feel the same.

But then he came back to Amherst...and everything was like, back to normal.

I don't fuckin get him.

Like he REALLY acts like he couldnt care less about me.

I don't get why he dates me.
Besides that I give him shit.

I don't get it.

It's like...i'm the only one that ever puts any effort into our relationship. From day one. I mean, yeah ...he approached me. But that's only cuz he wanted to fuck. And his deal of work pretty much ended there. Now I'm stuck with the task of making sure this shit stays together.

But do i really want to put SO much effort into something that the other person wouldn't fight for if I wasnt??

and the answer to that is: no.

I've already given up way too much good ass this summer to put up with him acting all strange like he doesnt give two fucks that I came all the way from home to go see him or that I'm even in the fuckin room.
Seriously...i hardly ever get to see you that much, so when I finally do fly down to see you, you better act hella fuckin happy to see me, or else ima assume something is up.

And that's exactlly what I think.

I think shit is goin on with you.
You don't act the same anymore.

And whatever.
I'm done with trying to figure out why.
In fact, i aint even mad about it.

Feelings change....Boy, do I get that.


So whatever.
I won't call you anymore.
Lets see how long it takes you to actually make some time to pick up the phone and get at me.


I won't be holding my breath though, that's for damn sure.





I wanna ride a train up my lovers arm . . .

Destination?... The Brain.

Climb out and find out what's going on
cut through trees and ride through rocks
and synchronize the universal sundial to my watchhh






I have a really bad feeling about everything.

Like- I don't even wanna go to Long Island now.

I was packing my suitcase today, and I just thought to myself...what's the point??

Why go so that I can spend a weekend with him, only to be reminded of everything that I can't have. It just doesnt make much sense.

Not only that...this whole thing isn't working with me. Like when we are together, it's insane, and I really connect with him.

But the way it is now, it's like a 7min convo (if I'm lucky) Once a day. Just filling in all the boring details. Where you been, what youre doing.
Blah Blah... Boring.

How am I supposed to gauge someone's emotional development with just that?
I wanna know where you are at...not physically

Mentally.

And I don't. And YOU don't know where I'M at either. You don't know that I don't even talk to my best friend anymore. You don't know that I never sleep at night and that I've been sick for the past week. You don't know pretty much anything about my life. You don't know that I have people giving me SHIT 24 fucking 7 about you. And it's getting harder to defend you. It's like...I wanna fight for you, but I don't know if you are giving me reason to anymore. God...That sounds awful. It sounds like I don't love you. But I do. I love you so fucking much. You know that. Honestly, it would be easier if I DIDNT CARE.

If I treated you like all the other thousands of guys I kept around to keep me "temporarily entertained"

So that makes me wonder...
Why the hell are YOU still with ME?

Today when I was packing, I got this terrible feeling in my gut. I don't know if it was last night's party- and Brent coming at me hard. I don't know what it was.

But I don't need you here physically- even though fuckin you is the best.

I need someone who can be here for me emotionally...like, when I'm upset or having a bad day. When you lived in Amherst I could just drive over to your Apt. But now...You arent there at all.

AT ALL.

And for whatever reason...when I'm having a really hard time and I need to talk to someone. I always WANT to call you. But I don't. It isnt a pride thing either. It's like...I know you won't answer, or you will be rollin a blunt or chillin with someone.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that you have no time for me.

and def. no time to deal with (what you see as) my childish worries.




I just feel (incredibly)emotionally neglected.


Even today, when I told you I had a bad feeling about coming,
You just brushed it off.
Like babe, I'm scared and worried.
Can't you be more sensitive about that?

Just cheat on me or whatever.

We both know I love you too much to ever do that.
Just give me a good reason to walk away.



So my birthday was the best I've had in awhile.

or ever?

Minus seeing Freddie.

Ugh.

Ex-s are never a fun thing to run into.

I didn't even recognize him. But Brittney was like "Mary!...look" Ugh. Then it was like Britta and her boyfriend..and Jon and me...and so Freedie thought that Jon was my new boy. So he came up to say Hi...(I have no idea why he thought that was appropriate) Because if Jon WAS my bf..that would be crazy akward.


Either way, I was really nice and stuff. Because I really feel kinda bad about the way shit with him and I went down. Like, I wish I could help him out. Because I really do feel bad about his situation...But idk...

That's my problem- I always want to help EVERYONE.

Freddie was beyond my grasp.

Britta and everyone like left and I talked to him alone for a little bit. Idk..It's strange cuz all his friends were there, and I always wonder what they thought of our situation. But they were all really nice and crap. I explained Jon was just a friend...and then he asked me if I was still single. He was suprised that I wasn't. But whatever. He said he would have never pictured me calming down at the rate I was going. Whatever that means.



Got a lot of stuff for my birthday though.
So I'm a very happy girl.

Andddd I get to go see my boy the day after tomorrow.

Yay!!


Tonight Britt is having a really huge party at her house. Her parents are in Europe for a month. So yeah...I've been over there like 247. Her family is so fuckin wealthy its ridiculous. Ima try not to get too fucked up tonight just so I can keep an eye on stuff for my girl. But I always try to do that...and it usually ends with me high as fuck or drunk as fuck (or a combination of the two) Dancing with JD then crashing.

Um...one down side to tonight...

Brent is gunna be there.

I haven't seen him since like...the end of last semester.

He broke up with Kelly too.

Finally!!.... that girl was a dramatic cunt.
Trying to steal my diamond earrings and shit.
Fuck that whore.

*ehm* sorry for the swearing.

But yeah...
Maybe Brent and I will work some of our shit out. But if he trys to get up on me...then Ima just ignore him. I can't have distractions. Like before it was okay. But he had a gf...so I wouldnt do anything. And now I have a bf...so now I DEF. won't do anything. Which is another reason I can't get too fucked up.

Don't get me wrong- I always know what I'm doing when I'm drunk...unless I black out. Which tends to happen. The mixture of pills and alcohol has that effect. Haha.

Brent was a real asshole about my whole situation.
I was really straight forward with him.
No suprises ... No secrets.
But he wouldnt listen...and I have little patience for people with that level of ignorance.
Because I ALWAYS listened to his side of shit.

And I never told his gf that he lied to her ass like 10hundred times a day when he was really with me.

I didn't say shit...

And then he's a little bitch about crap.

Ugh.

ERm...i have so much medical stuff to do before I leave on Wed....and I'm prolly not going to get ANY of it done. I also have to figure out if I'm gunna get boy's birthday present before I leave and give it to him when I get there...cuz I prolly won't be there July 1st. But I spent hundreds of dollars today when I went shopping, and I have so many orders coming in from my Board shop...that Idk. Maybe I should just wait?



I saw Jen in Victorias Secret today (random) But yeah...shes a nice girl. I should chill with her more.



Dum de dum...

Oh yes, and I've finally got my phone in the mail today.

I have tons of calls to catch up on.

That reminds me...time to call Kev about some tabs.

the price he gave me yesterday was madddd cheap. But the only down side is, he said I would have to chill with him for that price. Bummer.

I guess I could always go there and then have one of my friends call with an "emergency"

Yeah...that's what I'll do. :)

Umpfh!
!@#!@#



Welll that's all I've got for now....I'm feeling crazy amounts of anxiety after talking to D today. I mean...I know he doesn't try to scare me...and he's just looking out for me and shit. But I don't think he realizes how much it scares me when he says the stuff he says.

It scares me because I know he could be (and prolly is) Totally right.

And it's only a matter of time before I get fucked again. :(


Ugh.
I need some Xanax
and i need to call Kev...
and Kim
and get ready for Britta's

Peace



I've been having a really hard time being away from Mike. It's become even harder since last night when I did something that upset him. Well, he wasn't upset, but like...dissappointed. That kills me to dissapoint him. It's the last thing I want to do. He said the longer I'm here and he's there, the more he starts to worry. That really hurt my feelings. I would NEVER cheat on anyone. And ESPECIALLY not Mike. I mean, I didn't cheat on guys that deserved to be cheated on. Lol, so I'm not gunna cheat on one that doesn't.

Besides, In order for me to cheat...I would have to think that the person would be better in bed than Mike...and um...that isn't going to happen ANY time soon. Cheating would just be a dissapointment and a total waste of my fucking time.

The distance takes a toll though.

I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him.
I wonder if he cares as much as I do.

Although I'm pretty sure that's impossible because I'm nuts about him.

The other thing that really gets me is like,....the phone.
He says he will call at a certain time and then he doesnt.
Maybe it's stupid for me to get mad over that.
But it's like...I look forward to talking to him SO much...when he doesnt call it only makes me think that he does not look forward to it as much.

But he's a guy, and he's never been much of a phone talker.
So maybe I'm just over analyzing.

Yet, I don't want to be making excuses for him either.

This just sucks. I want to see him so bad.

It seems like at first he REALLY wanted to see me, and now it's not so much.

Idk.
@#$#$@#!@#

I can't wait till Wed.
I'll finally see him and figure out what's really up with all this shit.



Let me clear something up for you...
Just because I make a ONE SENTENCE comment about you in my blog,
is no reason to throw a bitch fit.

Calm the fuck down.

So sorry if I find it amusing that you are Twenty One years old,
and going to a JUNIOR PROM.
Lol, but babe, let me tell you...
everyone else who heard about it was equally amused.
Not just me.

In reality though, I don't give a fuck about what you do in your life though.
Go to as many Junior proms as you like.
I can understand why the young and stupid girls are the only ones you can get.
(Ouch)
Not to mention the only ones that can put up with your height, because they haven't gone through puberty yet.

Also, it is quite contradictory for you to say that "I'm getting into your shit" when YOU are the one reading MY blog.

Nobody forces you to read my profile.
Why the fuck am I even on your buddy list anyways?

Why can't you just...Oh...I don't know.. Not read it?

or does that make too much sense for someone as stupid as you?

I mean I know you are used to hangin around with all the little kids, but this is how the big kids do shit.


so, go ahead. Make all your *pathetic* insults about shit that was going on with me when I had cancer. Way to go on that I might add, making fun of shit that happened to someone with cancer. *idiot* But I really don't care. I don't care about you. I don't care about what you think, I don't care about what all your little friends think, and I don't care if you don't like me.

You don't even know me.

So stop wasting my time and end this little feud, because I pretty much forgot about you alltogether until you decided to bitch tonight.

Thats a lie...sometimes when I blow shit off that stupid Lion King book you got, (((haha, getting me lion king books then calling ME immature))). I think of what a waste of time you were. I should prolly throw the stupid thing out, but it has such a nice smooth surface, I'd hate to see it go to waste.

Trust me, I wasn't trying to offend you in my last blog.
I never thought you would fucking read it.
If I wanted to offend you there are SO many better things I could mention.
Like your family, the way you look, the fact that you are pretty much mentally retarted and can't form basic english sentences.
But I don't.
Thereforeeee...
I WASN'T TRYING TO TAKE JABS AT YOU UNTIL YESTERDAY WHEN YOU TURNED BITCH!


anywho..you should prolly go find another lil 16yr old to date. Because I'm too busy to keep arguing with you.

I've wasted enough time on you.
I'm done.
Keep talking though.
Get the LAST WORD IN
because that ALWAYS makes you happy.
Go ahead and put a little "if you know someone" in your profile, and then call me immature. I've got news for you. We are all in college now. Nobody does those anymore. Lol.

Just know that I'll always be silently giving you the figurative finger in the air.


Peace bitch.

I'm bout to go do a line of ambien off that lame ass book...
that's about the only thing you were good for.
:)



Woah. I was just looking at the past entries. And damn. It's been awhile. So much has changed since then. I just got back from Puerto Rico, Dominica, Barbados, Antigua, St.Lucia, St. Thomas, Orlando, NyC and San Juan.

That was quite the trip.
I can't even begin to explain how amazing it was.
Like...words just can't even describe.

Pics are up on facebook though, so check that shit out. ;)

Instead of taking FOREVER to update whats been going on in my life,
I'm gunna be lazy about shit and skip that.

Sooo um, you know how I totally LOVED being single for so long, and I said that a guy would have to be pretty amazing for me to slow my roll??....
Well, one did.
and he IS fucking amazing.

In EVERY way.

Yet another part of my life that is too amazing to put into words. :D


Today Steven was being a real douche to me. It's like, yeah...we fucked. Get over it already. I don't give two shits about you and the only reason it happened in the first place is because I was incredibly fucked up on some serious drugs. I have absolutley no use for you and I have no feelings what so ever associated with you. I was really fucked up, and I was horny. Big fucking deal. Besides, AS IF I would leave my boy for him. Hahaha, that's funny. REalLlllyyyyy funny especially when Mike is the best sex I've ever had in my entire life (not to mention he's got the personality to match)

Whatever. I just want Steven to leave me alone.
If he doesn't I'll just tell mike, and my boy is so street he will prolly shoot the muthafucker. Lmao. That would be hillarious.

Speaking of people that I've fucked....one of my ex's (anthony) my sister saw at a JUNIOR PROM. That really cracked me up when I heard that. He's like what...21?? Little old for that don't you think? Lol.

Ah well..
I've been so busy this week trying to get everything done so that I can fly to see my baby this weekend. It feels so strange to wake up without him next to me and to shower all by myself. :( I don't like itt.

Hmm alright...well I gotta go write D back just because I want to make sure everything is straight with him.

Oh yeah, and my sisters and some friends are backpacking through Europe right now. So that is nice. I'm really happy for them. I shouldn't say "them" Because I only really like Louise out of my two sisters. I used to be really close with KT...but i feel like as I'm gettin older, I trust louise more and I appreciate her way more over Katie...who is pretty much just an insane bitch who likes drugs.

Which is funny...she like LOVeS her druggie title for whatever reason, yet I do more drugs than she does. Hm. Whatever. They seem to fuck her up more than they do me though. Like they really dont effect me besides like when I do them...that is kind of confusing. I guess what i mean is, like, drugs are a part of my life. But like, I'm able to separate them from the rest of my life and responsibilities...

She can't.



I'm out.

Yo, I'm doper than doper, than doper, than doper, than doper
I'm closer to dope than actual dope is to dope

I'm at the studio with Brent right now. Fuckin seriously. I've been spending my LIFe here it seems like. It's kinda nice in a way though, I get a chance to check out all the new shit that's comin thru on thier side of the BLo and I can look into stuff they don't have their hands into aswell.

Some nice shit goin down.

I'll be spending most of this week checkin out that shit because I'm leaving to go back to puerto rico pretty soon though. Crazy week fo real.

Other than that...I sit around most of the time bored of my ass waiting for them to finish up.

GRAadjfhsadfh
BoRing!!
boring boring boring
@#$@#$


Brent's shit is turning out nicely. He should be finished with it some time today. It's nice to be able to chill with him without his girl being around though. She just takes everything too fuckin seriously.

Tryin to clean him up and shit.
Fuck that.
He's badass on that...and its all good.

an yo, I'm done at UB, took my last exam thursday. Then I spent the rest of the day passed out on Zig's couch. Lol. Shit tierd me outtt.

Idk what the hell is wrong with me, the day before my exam I was like fucked up when I should have been studying. Ey yo, it's just a good thing the boy I was hanging with wasn't fucked up until later, cuz if we were fucked up at the same time, I'd have gotten my ass in some trouble. haha.


Yo i gotta go.
Hit the 2 way.

myspace

facebook

td

.